Is this familiar? Your husband does something annoying or forgets to do something important. The doing or the forgetting isn’t what really infuriates you, however. His act or non-act is representative. It stands for a serious character flaw that must be addressed. A lecture is the only way to go about it, so you rehearse a fantastic speech in the shower or car, of course.
Later that evening, when you deliver your lecture, your husband feels very sorry for you and gives you roses after he takes out the trash, unloads the dishwasher, cleans the diaper genie, scrubs the kitchen, paints the house, cleans the car, and organizes the basement.
Needless to say, this scenario has played out only in my imagination and lately so have my lectures. I haven’t been delivering them, and I think my household is better for it. First, I’ve given up for selfless reasons. No one wants to come home after a long day to be bombarded by perceived failings. Furthermore, I don’t want my son to be surrounded by negativity. When Daddy comes home, he is king. I’m not going to belittle this precious title with my own grudges.
Second, I’ve given up for a selfish reason. I’m tired. Well into my second trimester with Baby Phillips #2, I’m more concerned about ice cream at the end of the day. When my husband throws away the empty Edie’s container, he’ll notice the recycling and more than likely get to it.
Holding a sharp tongue, though, is about more than preferring ice cream over argument. Handling differences calmly and offering genuine praise is about working at the vocation of marriage, maintaining a peaceful home, and focusing on the most important goal of marital life—to help my spouse and our child, soon to be children, go to heaven.
Today, restraining one’s emotions isn’t popular. Many TV programs, radio shows, and social media outlets spotlight brash words. Anger and hot-headedness pose for confidence. I wonder how this cultural attitude influences the home, which should be a place where civility presides. This is not to say that we don’t lose our temper and shout something we wish we could take back, but the beauty of home is that it should be a place of forgiveness, a sanctuary of love.
Life is too short not to honor the people we love most. Plan and prep all we like, we are living on God’s time. Scripture says we do not know the day or the hour (Matthew 25:13)—a truth I know firsthand. On Father’s Day, 2007, my sister hosted a wonderful barbecue. My parents enjoyed that relaxing Sunday afternoon with all my siblings and their children. On Tuesday morning, my father passed away. Just like that, a heart attack.
Mom and Dad were married 42 years, and my mother never said marriage was easy. “It’s rarely 50/50, Ann. You can’t change a person, only God can truly do that,” she said. “You better learn to live with the difficulties.” And then, the best advice always said with a smile: “Both of you should bring out the best in each other.” I thought my mother was brilliant for her marital wisdom. Later I learned that she was only reciting lessons from her 12th-grade home economics class. Those Sacred Heart nuns knew what they were talking about.
Accepting my spouse as human means letting go of self-righteous pride. Oh, I can get so worked up thinking that an able-bodied adult ought to know how to do things right, and I just don’t deserve to tolerate such incredible injustices! Letting off steam, I stomp down the hallway, but our crucifix hanging on the wall quickly halts my march of martyrdom. It’s a good thing Jesus has never dismissed me so easily. Time to simmer down.
And, time to appreciate my husband’s many gifts: thoughtful, funny, resourceful, forgiving . . . Not only is it important to tell him how much I admire these traits and others, I must also talk to Jack about Daddy’s gifts. We love Daddy because he takes good care of us. We love Daddy because he fixes your toys. We love Daddy because he takes you hiking.
It’s good for children to hear their parents compliment each other. Besides, there is no need for me to point out flaws now. Won’t Jack assume the role of fault-finder during his teenage years? I want to enjoy being king and queen as long as possible.
As we work at the vocation of marriage, my husband and I help our son understand that people are imperfect and must be loved unconditionally. This is how God loves us. And he taught us best by example through his only Son, not with a lecture.
Hi Ann, Oh my goodness, you have such wisdom! I wish I had that when I was younger and had small children. I just wanted to let you know that I’m fine and the doctor is pleased with everything. We’re going to visit Emily soon and I’ll try to get back to you when we return. Kathleen
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Ann, as I stare down another long moving “To Do” and (even worse) good-bye list, this essay is exactly what I needed to hear. Hope you and your family are well. All the best, CL